Fifty Shades of Grey is undoubtedly a fictional portrayal of BDSM, but in real life, the world of dungeons is far more unpredictable—filled with the good, the bad, and the downright hilarious.
Back in my mid-20s, like many young professionals, I was always struggling to make ends meet. Even though I had a full-time job in publishing, I could barely afford my Brooklyn rent. When my friend responded to a Craigslist ad offering quick cash for "no sex and lots of fun," she asked me to join her for moral support. That’s how I stumbled into the world of professional dominatrices, moonlighting in a Midtown Manhattan dungeon. It was here that I learned not only the essentials of BDSM—everything from role play and hog-tying to cross-dressing and verbal sparring—but also valuable lessons about human vulnerability and desires. And, most of all, I learned to laugh. Picture this: walking down a lavish, mysterious dungeon hallway, trying to look sultry and seductive, only to trip over a spreader bar in your stilettos. These moments are what I affectionately call my "dungeon bloopers." Here are five real-life BDSM stories you definitely won’t see in Fifty Shades of Grey.
Dungeon Blooper No.1 - Medical Room Mishap
One night, a frantic Mistress burst out of the Medical Room, tears streaming down her face. She had accidentally left the cap on the enema tube when she inserted it into her slave. The water pressure had pushed the cap deep inside him! She was in a panic, but I couldn’t help but chuckle and told her not to worry. Eventually, he'd just poop it out.
Dungeon Blooper No.2 - Buggin’ Out
During an intense scene, I had my slave bound at the wrists and ankles, deeply immersed in the moment. Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I saw something move. It was one of the biggest cockroaches I had ever seen, heading straight for my slave’s exposed backside! Staying composed, I grabbed a towel and tried to catch it, hoping to use it as a prop. But, alas, the roach escaped. My slave remained blissfully unaware that he’d narrowly avoided an encounter with an unexpected “guest.”
Dungeon Blooper No.3 - Pick of the Litter
A fellow dominatrix and I were prepping for a double golden shower session with a client. We led him to the bathroom, only to be hit by the unmistakable smell of kitten poop. His new kittens had left a little surprise in the tub! As their meows filled the air, we laughed, ordered him to clean it up, and made him wait for what was to come. The added stench? Well, that just enhanced the experience.
Dungeon Blooper No.4 - Wardrobe Malfunction
In one session, I had my slave blindfolded and strapped into a gynecological chair. His wrists were tied behind his back, and his legs were locked in the stirrups. I was ready to perform a water sport scene but needed to remove my thigh-high stiletto boots first. The zipper, however, got stuck in the laces. As my bladder was on the verge of bursting, I hopped around the room, frantically trying to get the boot off. I knocked into cabinets, sending instruments flying, but my slave—still blindfolded—remained unaware of the chaos. Eventually, I managed to free myself just in time.
Dungeon Blooper No.5 - Chin-Chin
A Japanese businessman who spoke very little English chose me for a session. He handed me a Hallmark "Thank You" card, which contained his detailed instructions:
Dear Mistress,
I’m a Japanese sub girl named "Mayuko." Last night, Mistress turned me into anal entertainment and a Portable Toilet.
Instructions:
- Check Body
- Dog Training → If Mistress says “Chin-Chin,” Mayuko must lift her leg to show her "Chin-Chin" (Japanese slang for a child’s penis).
(1) Flower Dog
(2) Candle Dog
(3) Chicken Eggs
(4) Portable Toilet (Golden Shower)
With fresh tulips, a candle with a bell, and five hard-boiled eggs neatly laid out, I began the session. I placed a collar around his neck and made him lick spit from a dog bowl. Then, I stuck a candle with a jingle bell up his rear, parading him around the dungeon like a dog for the other Mistresses to enjoy. The tulips? They transformed him into a human flowerpot. Finally, I inserted three hard-boiled eggs into him. Two popped out easily, but the third was stubborn. He looked at me with panic, trying desperately to lay that final egg.
These are just a few of the wild, funny, and unexpected moments from my time as a Dominatrix—ones that Fifty Shades doesn’t even come close to capturing. Real-life BDSM is a world filled with surprises, laughter, and humanity.